I’m Tired

I am Tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of sadness. Tired of pain. Tired of crying. Tired of hiding. Tired of letting fear run my life. Tired of losing a race that’s already been won.

The other day my husband found me laying flat on the pavement of our driveway, my arms stretched out wide and legs just limp so my skin could touch the cold concrete beneath me staring up at the clouds. The sweetest man in my life, my husband, Matt, came by my side, laid down next to me and got in the same position and whispered, “So, what are we doing?”.

I then told him that I hope him and the kids would be ok, because any second there should be an angel coming down to get me, to take me home. I closed my eyes, and asked him if he saw anything coming for me.

He waited a second and then whispered back to me, “sorry, nothing’s coming, you’re not going anywhere, and those kids survival rate depends on you being here”. He always seems to add a bit of humor when my heart just wants to sulk in sadness.

I’m not going anywhere, but there are moments when I look to God and say, “today would be a good day if you had something in mind”. My strength fades into dust and blows away in the wind so that I feel as though there is no breath left in my lungs.

There are wounds in my life that I just want to run from, some put their by others, and some I put on my body myself . These are metaphoric wounds, but they are piercing. I am tired of running. Trying to run away from a past I wish I didn’t have. Tired of escaping as if you saw my bruised heart you wouldn’t know how to treat it.

I sure don’t.

My life in Christ means that the chains from my arms are shattered. That I am free!

My hands are free, but it’s when I try to take a step I notice that the chains around my ankles are still there. He freed my hands so I am fully capable of taking the chains off my ankles, I just get immobile and stuck to where I don’t know how to live my life free from the regrets and hurts in my life from yesterday. They feel stuck to my wounded soul, apart of my life. I don’t know if I should learn how to smile with them still there or figure out a way to get this huge anchor off my legs.

I am tired. It’s so heavy.

I am scared. What’s next? What would it look like to be freed from the prison of wounds and scars from my past that make me sensitive to the decisions I have made today?

Are you wearing them too? Am I alone?

If free means free, then let’s be free together. Let’s break free from the brokenness and weaknesses in our life and find God’s strength in the ugliest parts of our soul. Let’s make Him our comfort in our sadness, let’s make Him the hand we hold in isolation, let’s make Him the voice we hear when all the hurt screams lies that want to tear us down.

I am tired. Because someone else is trying to grab a hold of me. Not my God, but a thief in the night that aims to rob and steal.

We get tired when we lose sight of where our energy comes from. When it comes from anything of this world it will be fleeting, it will have a date of expiration. God’s love, God’s involvement, His relationship is constant and won’t ever let us go.

That day on the pavement in my driveway, nothing came for me. Oh wait…yes it did. I asked for an angel to come. And beside me laid a man that was willing to lay beside me and walk with me, and say in his own way, “where are we going, can I come to”.

I am tired in this world because my eyes get lost from the things right in front of me. My chains are the memories, and the hurts of yesterday. But the future looks bright, today looks bright, because my God is for me, and He has blessed me with the support of people around me that also won’t let me go.

I am not going anywhere. Won’t you stay in this crazy world with me for a while?

 

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