I AM MORE than yesterday. I am more than the darkness. I am more than the dates on the calendar I wish to forget. I am more than the voices that once controlled my every move. I am more. I have strength even though I have reminders of being stripped of it. I have a story, I have a side that feels consumed, that is suffocating with voices that manipulate, twist, lie, and don’t have my best interest in mind. Voices that pull me back while God holds my hand and softly moves me forward. I am more. But that is me in a moment where I feel strong.
The other moments turn a statement of strength into a question of doubt and this is how my mind cycles: AM I MORE? Am I more than my resume, am I more than the destruction I have been a part of? Am I more than the weakest encounters and the most vulnerable moments that tempted me astray? Am I more than the image others have of me in their head? Am I more than the guilt, than the shame, than the conviction, than the reflection in the mirror I want to hide from? Am I anything more?
Then the question of doubt turns into reasons of a projected reality. You are not! Not only are you not more, I AM LESS. I have no value. I am defined by the darkness, I am defined by the worst day not the best, I don’t resemble anything anyone would be proud of. My strength is a façade and my hope is gone. You are less, you are less than normal, less than perfect, and less than anything anyone could use to benefit the world. You are less, I am less. These are the voices that continue to build a home in my head.
Then the brain goes even further, not only am I less, I AM WORTHLESS! I have no worth, nothing to offer, nothing that I am deserving of, nothing of value. And in an instant everything good that I am, all that I should be proud of, every bit of me that God has used to do unimaginable things gets wiped out the window with the only thing left on my report card being the worst grade and the paper with the boldest red lettered failure words written on it. Worthless. Worth less than the little girl in me dreamed she could be, worth less than the friendships that I thought would never leave me. Worth less than the life I get to be surrounded by. Worth less.
The voices lead me to the bottom of a pit with no ransom and no rope to pull me out. Just darkness, just walls surrounded by the dirt surrounding this pit. This is it, this is me, this is all I see in these dark moments when hope seems gone, when people seem gone, when voices that rob me seem distant. I hear what I believe and in these moment’s I only believe: worth less. No other voice seems real.
I am in a hurricane of emotions. I didn’t see it coming, I didn’t feel its pull until I was thwarted into this vortex of negativity that grabbed the soul that belongs to its Creator. A storm you just got to witness that cycles me through every voice of despair. It wants to keep going, it wants to take me further, it wants me to keep following as its voice breaks me a part. It’s hopeless direction is the intent that smiles as it watches me fall into its trap. “All is lost” is the voice it whispers.
It’s not over yet. There is an eye to this storm that I am sitting in. It can fuel me to fight the storm ahead or I can fight the peace wanting to come in and stay cozy under the blanket of guilt and shame that is suffocating me more than the illusion of warmth it’s trying to provide.
“I am more”. That is the voice in the eye of the storm. The voice that never stopped, I am more. I am more. Because He is more. He that lives in me is more. He in me is more than the reputation being cycled about me, He that lives in me is more than the me I don’t like. He that lives in me is more than the weaknesses and vulnerabilities that I feel. He that lives in me is bigger than the abuse, bigger than the manipulation, bigger than the fine print parts of my life no one wants to stick around to hear.
He is more and He is in me.
So, What does that say about me?
That my life is bigger than your version of me, bigger than my perception of myself, filled with more potential than I will ever recognize and more important than my worst parts could take from me. I am worth the life He sacrificed to be with me. I am more, because I am more than me. Whatever you see, and whatever I forget, I can’t let go of that, that I am more because I am more than me. I am His and He belongs to me. If that’s all I have at the start and end of every day I can breathe in and breathe out in the eye of the violent mental storms in my mind knowing that He is with me, He will protect me, He won’t leave me, and He won’t stop believing in me.
The voices quiet their tone when I focus on the one with meaning, the voice of Love, the voice of Truth, and the voice that has never let go of me. He brings hope to this life that can wander and pursues this heart that can be lead astray. He brings me back and reminds me of my purpose, reminds me of my adoption, and reminds me that He is where I belong. My belonging to Him is my worth more than I could have ever imagined, and nothing less than His voice will suffice in my life.
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