If you’ve never gone through a difficult period in your life this blog isn’t going to connect with you, but it’s still one you should try and understand. You may one day get to a place where you are in this spot, or someone you love is here and they don’t know how to put into words what they are experiencing.
With intense anxiety, trauma, or depression comes with it an alternate reality, or in actuality, it is the same reality as everyone else but with a foggy cloud over your head and everywhere you go. You still smile and give an appearance of normal as you mask the painful hurt that feels like a cancer silently spreading in your lungs.
Saddness takes over a life meant for joy and you feel surrounded by people that seem foreign to you. Their life seems so simple, so happy, their joy doesn’t make sense under the cloud you are living in.
If you understand these words, I am with you, I have been there, and I have days and moments where the weather forecast over my head can go from a rain cloud to a thunderstorm at the slightest emotional trigger.
This feeling is real. It feels isolated and lonely, and it is real. Even if no one else can see the cloud you are trying to describe, it is there. I believe you. I feel it too.
I am sitting here with my phone in hand and listening to laughter. What’s that noise, how do I catch that moment she’s having over there? Can I borrow her smile? Can I feel absent from myself and connect with the experience she is having for just a moment?
Can I catch her joy in a mason jar like a girl looking for lightening bugs so I can
stare at it’s wonder all night long?
This fight for freedom is the battle this season of my life is trying to take from me. A voice in my head that is abusive because it uses statements with “always” and “never”.
“You will never be happy again”
“You will always feel this way”
Where’s the rainbow everyone talks about? I am tired of stormy weather.
I hear laughter over there, and as much as I want to steal it, instead I am going to borrow it. I am going to sit right here and listen to it as a reminder that joy is present, that happiness is within reach. That I have smiled, and I have laughed, and all those things will happen again in my life. They can happen today, they might even happen tomorrow. This is my plan to get out of this place I am in.
I am not stuck in the mud my mind is disillusioned to believing I am in.
Her smile, her laughter over there with her friend is my small little ticket. The airplane ticket that takes me high above these rain clouds surrounding me for a momentary view of peace, of sunshine, of fresh air above the clouds.
While depression, anxiety, trauma, and sadness try to consume me I cannot give up the fight back.
The fight what? Yes, the fight back!
The saying I heard today on the radio said “sometimes we feel like we have been thrown into a ditch and we don’t realize we have actually been planted”.
The fight back from depression is my seeds being birthed into roots. It is this moment of evil that throws me in a pile of dirt unknowing that I have been thrown into a secure foundation of strength being built beneath the surface. These stormy rainclouds are producing the birth my body needs to feel strength for the fight ahead. The push each day to grow a little taller on the inside. A flower is coming, something beautiful is coming. Joy will expound from this heart again. I feel it coming.
I’m sprouting, it’s just happening slow, and your friend that’s in this spot, give them time. Tell them the small bits of beauty that they are struggling to see that you notice forming within them in this difficult season. Give them a ticket, help them experience a reminder above the cloud over their head where they smile with you, where they get a glimpse of a rainbow perching from above this storm. Where they see the lightening bugs of joy and happiness in you and they get to borrow it for a moment, as a reminder of what they once felt, and what they will feel again.
This season of my life has robbed me of enough. I won’t let it take any longer the strength that I believe is inside me. There is strength, I feel my heart still beating, that means I’m not done yet.
No matter the weather, no matter the storm, the promise of the sun is guaranteed tomorrow and is present today, we just don’t always get the benefit of seeing it, but it’s there, I know its there, its evidence is all around me if only I stop for a moment to see small rays peeking out through the clouds.
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