Letter 01: Dear Husbands, I hear you want a better sex-life at home. 

Dear Husbands,

Tell me if I’m on the right track?  You want a great sex-life with your wife.  You want your wife to desire you even more than you desire her.  You want her to pursue you intimately.  You want to feel like she wants to be there with you physically. You want her to be present and engaged in the moment.  You don’t want sex to feel like a chore, you want it to be one of the highlights of your relationship.  Am I on the right track so far?

Let me help you out, because as a Wife, and a Marriage Counselor, I go through this one a lot. Which tells me that if you are thinking all this at home, you are not alone.  I want to help you.  I don’t want your marriage to have this sexual tension because I believe that sex is bigger than sex, it is connection, and it has a reflection on all the other areas in your marriage.  When one part of your relationship grows, it spills over into the others.   I want to help you out, but you have to promise me you will listen to these three tough truths that will absolutely give you the change you are hoping takes place in the bedroom.

1. Sex and Connection

It’s got to be about sex AND connection, not just sex.  It has to be about both.  If it’s just about sex and not connection, she’d probably rather be doing something else. And not just connecting in those 5 minutes of pure bliss.  She wants to feel connected to you in the 23 hours and 55 minutes before those 5 blissful minutes.  Make her feel important, make her feel special, and remind her that you are thinking and thankful for her throughout the day.

Using this example, I see men and women getting their thoughts on the timing of sex and connection reversed.  What I hear in the counseling room, is that men signify those “5 minutes” to be the start of the connection they share with their wife for the following day.  But for wives, it is the opposite.  Women look at the 24 hours prior and view sex as the closure of a 24 hour period of connection.

The sexual tension at home is because you both have a different view of what sexuality and connection have in common.  One person thinks “our sex life makes me feel more connected to you”, and one spouse thinks “I need to feel connected to you before we have sex”.  Think about it.  Which one are you?  Which one is your spouse?

I hear some husbands who believe their wife doesn’t have the same “drive” as them.  Some of you are right.  But others of you need to understand that she thinks about it backwards from you.  She needs to feel connected before she physically connects.  And Husbands, please, tenderly hear me say that she is not wrong for wanting Sex to be linked with Connection, there is nothing wrong with your wife for thinking this way, I am just sorry that most of you men were never taught the value in connection because you grew up in a society that told you that sex was only physical. 

2. If you want the sex of your dreams, dream about your wife.

Chances are that you want the sex of your dreams, but you want your wife to be something she is not. You want her to be a sexual version of an image you probably should have never had ingrained in your head.  Husbands, you need to make sure you aren’t stuck in a comparison trap.  I know you’ve seen things you can’t take back, but please hear me say that you are missing out on what your sex life with your wife can be because you are fixated on what you want it to be.

Your relationship with your wife is special, it’s unique, and it is solely a connection between the two of you.  Stop bringing other people in to it!  Enjoy what is in front of you instead of complaining about what it is not.

I know you can’t change the past, but you can darn-well do something about today and the future. Whatever it is you are turning to besides your wife for physical comfort and release needs to get thrown in the trash. Please stop blaming your wife for your current sex-life and start blaming and owning all the other things that are in your sex-life.

I bet no one has actually told you that pornography is the silent sex killer.  For most of you this one is going to go in one ear and out the other but I told you I want you to have an AMAZING sex life – which means I have to say it.  It’s not your wife dear husbands, put the phone down and stop watching the inappropriate shows floating around on Netfilx and make her the thing that you are looking at.

3. The cheating myth.

Last one for today. Let’s put an end to the cheating myth. Here’s what the cheating myth is that happens around the guy talks that take place all over the world (especially the Christian ones) “It’s better to masturbate with pornography than to cheat on your wife”.  Long pause here as I take a deep breath and try to articulate in words what I rarely hear said in our culture….ok, here goes.  Pornography is still an act of cheating on your wife.  Sexual pleasure outside your relationship with your wife is cheating on your wife.

Do you want to kill your sex-life?  Like, tank it into the ground?  The best way to do that is to let your wife know you have a Plan B.  Plan A – Sex with my wife; Plan B – find sexual fulfillment somewhere else.  What’s even worse is when this becomes so common in your house that your wife actually feels like Plan B because you and Plan A are in a committed relationship.

Here’s my guess on why you even have a Plan B to begin with.  For you, sex with your wife takes work.  It takes effort.  And it takes an intentional amount of connection.  Plan A takes planning and preparation.  But Plan B, well Plan B requires only the touch of a button, or the flip of a channel, or the page turning of a magazine hidden under the bed. Plan B is simple, and Plan B was your plan that’s been working since High School.  But you are a grown adult now, you are married, you have a spouse that sleeps right beside you in the bed.  For the sake of your marriage, please, please, please, get rid of Plan B, and even more than that, will you adult men please make sure to raise the next generation of sons with a new cultural norm so they don’t bring this intimacy killer into their future relationships.

Husbands, you are loved. We love you.  Your wife loves you.  But she wants to be loved by you.  She wants to feel connected to you.  She wants to know that you wait for her because sex with her means that much to you.  When you have a Plan B, your wife’s self-worth will shoot straight to the ground. Make sex with your wife a priority and I promise you will notice a difference.  I know you want an amazing sex-life with your wife, now hear me say “what are you willing to do to show her how bad you want it?” and “what are you willing to give up to make sex with her your focus?”.

Sincerely,

A Wife

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